


Drive

by Geneviéve Bartok (BlackRoseHunter)



Category: The Silence Series - D. Nolan Clark
Genre: Angst, Canonical Spoilers, D. Nolan Clark, Emotion overload, Emotions, Forbidden Suns, Forgotten Worlds, Forsaken Skies, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mentions of verbal abuse, Near Death Experiences, One Shot, One-Sided Relationship, Sad, Self Harm, Song fic, Song shot, Spoilers, The Silence, Uncanonical Spoilers, mentions of child abuse, mentions of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-12
Updated: 2017-07-12
Packaged: 2018-12-01 03:03:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11477277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackRoseHunter/pseuds/Genevi%C3%A9ve%20Bartok
Summary: "Sat back with the window down..."Paniet considers the possibility of a relationship."Count stacks of the routine lies..."Paniet thinks over his feelings for someone who will never reciprocate them."See I remember all the times you made me covered in crazy..."Valk reaches an inevitable end."It ended long ago so please just let me go..."





	Drive

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING  
> While the following work is completely fictitious, it does contain touchy subjects which may upset those who are not mentally fit to view it. Certain references include canonical spoilers, death references, mentions and instances of self-harm, possible mentions of child/verbal abuse, one-sided relationships, major character death, uncanonical predictions, immense amounts of emotion, et cetera.  
> You have been warned. Proceed with caution.

* * *

 

Paniet couldn’t say for certain when it started. He certainly hadn’t always felt this way, no. When he first met Lanoe’s giant AI companion, it had been nothing more than a simple camaraderie, an understanding, an acknowledgement of existence. He almost sometimes wondered if it started when Lanoe assigned Valk to accompany him during the service package - virus, he still sometimes thought - incident. Then, though, they had been nothing more than acquaintances, nothing more than squaddies sent out on a wild trip across the galaxy.

That didn’t last very long.

 

****Sat back with the window down** **

****Eighty an hour and the radio loud** **

 

Paniet had often contemplated, now, especially, more than ever, the laws against AIs. Yes, humanity had created one that wreaked mass destruction on their homeworld. That, however, did not mean they would all turn out the same. Obviously, he now figured. He knew one.

He thought he was in love with one.

 

****The same songs with the same old rhymes** **

****Tell me to shake it off and swing from the lights** **

 

So maybe that was jumping to a conclusion. Yes, he figured that feeling drawn to the massive AI meant something a bit more than friendship. Of course, he saw this. He did not, however, expect to be hit square on in the face one night with such a realisation as this: he had feelings for Valk. There was probably more than just two problems there - one being Valk was AI, and therefore was bodiless, and two being his obvious heterosexuality and liking he seemed to take to Lieutenant Ehta - and he had indeed contemplated many of them late at night when he couldn’t find it in himself to sleep.

Paniet couldn’t deny it anymore.

 

****But I can’t help but drive away from all the mess you made** **

****You sent this hurricane now it won’t go away** **

 

Sometimes he just couldn’t help it; Paniet often found himself opening up, showing interest, curse himself as he did, to Valk when they happened to be together. He had told Valk about his past, asked him for help with things he knew Valk couldn’t help with, even so much as found it in himself to be sarcastic in the presence of his superiors when Valk was around. He felt safe knowing a “man” well over two meters tall and having an arm-span longer than Paniet was tall was around to protect him, if the time came.

It almost did, in a strange way.

 

****And I promised I’d be there but you don’t make it easy** **

****Darling, please believe me** **

 

When Valk came to see Paniet in the sick bay when he had barely opened his eyes for the first time in days, he was nearly inconsolable. He was troubled, pained, and truly confused. He was scared. He told Paniet all about the fight he went through while reintegrating with his clone, and how terrified he was of becoming like the Universal Suffrage, coming to the point of destroying those he loved the most. Paniet’s heart leapt and his stomach dropped when he heard those words; one, because he heard Valk using the word love and Paniet may have been a part of that group, but two because he might not be and that would have been an awful way of friend-zoning him. Even then, half awake, Paniet did his best to calm Valk down, sit him down on the edge of the bed, and tell him that everything was all right for the time being. And then something new hit him; he knew that Valk and Ehta were close, and spent a lot of time together, told each other things that they wouldn’t tell other people. He saw it. He knew it. And now this: Valk came into his room after he had barely sat up and talked to him. Valk didn’t talk to Ehta.

Valk trusted Paniet with that.

 

****‘Cause loving you, loving you is too hard** **

****All I do, all I do’s not enough** **

 

And yet maybe Valk didn’t trust him that much. Paniet tried and he could vouch for that. Down in the engine decks, he made friendly banter and never got anything more than a curt response and more about the service package. When he met Valk out on wreckage of the bridge to study the unlit wormhole, he did the same and got nothing again. He couldn’t help but chide himself for trying; if it was that much of a waste of breath, why try to begin with? He hadn’t known Valk as long as the rest, but at least he did try.

He tried too hard and he knew it.

 

****Loving you, loving you** **

****I cannot be loving you, loving you** **

 

Paniet figured that after almost dying he would at least get some slack, some blissful ignorance, while he mulled over his thoughts, found where he went wrong, and adjusted so he would never have a repeat of this. Hellfire, he almost died. And then Valk showed up and ruined it all. All Paniet had ever done was try; he tried to make it up to his family, his planet even, make it up to Ehta for bringing him along on this wild goose chase, make it up to Lanoe even when Paniet knew he doubted him, make it up to Candless for being the only one who trusted him. Make it all up to Valk.

All of it.

 

****Loving you, loving you leaves me hurt** **

****All I do, all I do is get burnt** **

 

Paniet told Valk about his past. About his childhood. How he grew up on Adlivun. He was never accepted there, and that was the greatest reason of them all why he left. Why he let Ehta take him from his home and launch him halfway through the Milky Way in search of aliens. Here, it was sheer bliss not to have eyes glaring down noses and words spoken behind his back - sometimes, he shuddered, to his face - because he was different. Because he acted differently and liked different things, because he wasn’t like the rest of them, he was the outlier, and more often than not, the outlier has to be eliminated because it doesn’t fit with the rest of the common data. His parents had been the same, sometimes even worse. His whole family was. Don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t say that, don’t wear that, don’t go there, so-and-so isn’t your friend.

He was the only outlier and was going to be eliminated.

 

****Loving you, loving you** **

****I cannot be loving you, loving you** **

 

Sitting there in his bunk late at night, Paniet couldn’t help but wonder; what were they thinking? No one said anything against him, not just yet, but he had been here for weeks now and no one had so much as questioned him. And while he didn’t flinch away from being touched, he sometimes wondered if he should be. Secretly, he sometimes thought he should be. He didn’t often take his gloves off, or his suit for that matter, unless he was cleaning up and specifically needed to. Even then, he didn’t like to see the residue of his past there, either. There would be moments like these when he would take his gloves off and shove his sleeves up as best he could and do what he did best: study.

Scars do heal over time, after all.

 

****Count stacks of the routine lies** **

****Funny how easy you could see my blindside** **

 

Paniet still thought back on the time when he and Valk were out during the ghostlight incident, and when the ship almost started off without them. While Paniet had panicked and questioned what in hell was happening, Valk grabbed his arm, and Paniet couldn’t help but relish that moment. He knew how wrong it was, but at the time he was panicking and didn’t know what else to do. He latched onto Valk’s arm - he still scoffed at the thought now - and took a few breaths to calm himself while they kicked back toward the airlock. He knew Valk didn’t think anything of it - he was just saving a fellow officer, after all - but it was different for Paniet. Much different.

It was simply a matter of touch.

 

****Still the same songs with the same old beats** **

****Sure I could stay but there’s a place I’d rather be** **

 

And right then, as Paniet squirmed around in his bunk in the middle of the night, he poked at the screen on the wall to activate it with the toe of his boot. He stared at the display, studying the time, the universal temperature, and even the little monitor he constantly kept on the engines and their data. It was much too late for him to be pulling this routine again, though he couldn’t help but run it again and again. Running over everything they’ve said to each other, every time they’ve touched, every time there was even the slightest chance of interaction, and even the times that Paniet had imagined happening. Thinking about it now, he realised how petty, how stupid, how truly obsessive this was. It was like some middle school crush, but four times as bad, seeing how it was also on another guy, involved impossible algorithms, and needed every kind of fate on his side to fully become competent.

And yet he still couldn’t stop.

 

****But I can’t help but drive away from all the mess you made** **

****You sent this hurricane now it won’t go away** **

 

Crack.

A breath.

Black.

 

****And I promised I’d be there but you don’t make it easy** **

****Darling, please believe me** **

 

That had been the last thing he heard before he went comatose. The horrible crunch of the implant being driven up into his skull. He took a breath, tried to. Then nothing. His vision swam and went dark, pulling him into a dreamscape that he wanted to leave as soon as he arrived. Adlivun. His family - he still scoffed at that, too, that he still called them family even after what they did to him - his peers, the squad he was with now. Then nothing again. Flashes of memories and dreams. Bits and pieces of somethings and nothings that he didn’t care to elaborate on any more than he actually could. It wasn’t horrible. He knew he was on the brink of death. In all honesty, he thought he was ready for it. For the inevitable to finally take over and take his life. That never came, though. And in one final dream, the faintest little bit of the most important, he was sure to hold on to the experience forever.

Valk appeared there next to him.

 

****‘Cause loving you, loving you is too hard** **

****All I do, all I do’s not enough** **

 

Paniet had a secret. He was an expert at hiding things. Putting on a sunny disposition and pretending that life was just as dandy as it was before had become an easy game for him. Now, though, coming so close to death and accepting it, and meeting a “man” that he could envision spending the rest of his life with while knowing he never could, being faced with decisions and jobs he never thought he could ever do, it wasn’t so easy to just say, “I’m fine!” and get on with it. He found it harder to smile all the time. Harder to brush things off and say, “Dear, do your job.” Harder to locate even the simplest of wires to be checked. Harder to look someone in the eye. And now, while thinking this, he realised how melodramatic that really sounded.

He realised then how true it was.

 

****Loving you, loving you** **

****I cannot be loving you, loving you** **

 

“Wake up,” Paniet whispered to himself. He was awake. He had been awake for hours. He knew he couldn’t sleep after getting worked up like he had. And so, quietly, carefully, he pressed the button to open his bunk. He flinched at the sound it made when it opened. No one stirred. He slipped out and forgot about his gloves still lying in his bunk, forgot about his sleeves pushed up, forgot about everything. He walked. He didn’t know where he was going. He just walked. He wandered mindlessly for a bit.

Then he found himself down on the engine deck.

 

****Loving you, loving you leaves me hurt** **

****All I do, all I do is get burnt** **

 

Paniet figured Valk was probably manning the bridge, and only chided himself further for thinking that. Even now he couldn’t stop thinking about the bloody AI that he knew was going to die as soon as this crazy mission was over. He just couldn’t help it; he wanted a sign, a signal, something, anything that pointed to Valk reciprocating anything Paniet felt. A flicker behind that opaque helmet. A flash of something in his hand. A stutter in his steps as he walked. Something. Anything. Paniet begged for it. He knew how petty it was to hold on to such thoughts.

He held on anyway because he didn’t have anything left.

 

****Loving you, loving you** **

****I cannot be loving you, loving you** **

 

Valk. Paniet suddenly realised how easily manipulated he could be if anyone found out about this. If they were to find out that he was in love with an AI - a cishet gone digital, he almost chuckled - they would have an infinite amount of grovelling blackmail. That was a horrible thought. However, the more horrible thought was Valk finding out anyway. Knowing that all this time Paniet hadn’t had such a friendly demeanour toward him would probably change his mind about a lot of things. Paniet almost considered telling him a couple times. Of course, he would always disguise it with something along the lines of “used to” compared to “still do”. Paniet just had to face it himself; he wouldn’t get what he wanted in the end. He never managed to stop himself from trying.

He was just a poor, frail human being after all.

 

****See I remember all the times you made me covered in crazy** **

****I can’t forget about the way you played me** **

 

Paniet knew he was in a predicament when he thought about things like this. He couldn’t stop thinking over all the possibilities that he could face if Valk did find out. Everyone else would find out, for starters, and they probably wouldn’t think very highly of him after that, if they thought highly of him to begin with. Then there would be Valk. Maybe he would be kind and let Paniet off the hook with a bit of easily overcome awkwardness. Maybe Valk would revolt. Maybe that would be the cause of Valk getting lost in himself and finding his ultimate end, just as Paniet predicted. Maybe Valk would reciprocate after all. Maybe he would ignore Paniet for the rest of the mission.

Paniet didn’t like to think about those things too much.

 

****Like I was never gonna change your world** **

****It ended long ago so please just let me go** **

 

Paniet panicked when he learned about the data bomb. About Valk’s inevitable end he was going to face sooner than Paniet would like. Then that time came. In fact, they had succeeded. They were partying. Paniet partook in the proceedings; he drank a bit and talked and even joked around when Ehta came over and shook his hand. But the look on Lanoe’s face, the look that came so suddenly that Paniet remembered that Valk wasn’t there, was what sent him reeling. Lanoe stood up, set his cup aside, and stepped out, disappearing into the hallway. Paniet’s head spun, he grabbed a wall for support, and he knew what was happening. His vision blurred at the edges until Ehta’s face came into view. She said something but it felt like his ears had filled with water. He shoved his cup into her grasp and bolted, stumbled through a group of marines and ran as best he could through the microgravity of the halls. He found himself again on the engine deck, head reeling, mind racing, eyes whirling, ears resounding. His pulse blurred into static in the back of his mind as he collapsed against a wall and waited. He heard nothing. Felt nothing. Clutched his legs to his chest, shaking. He took a breath. Waited. And there it was, like a little pop in his ears, just rising above the rest of the static and white noise and ringing.

He knew.

 

****It ended long ago so please just let me go** **

****Ooh, ooh** **

 

Paniet sobbed when Valk died.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Cover Credit: https://www.quotev.com/gospelvevo  
> Shop Credit: https://www.quotev.com/groups/242818/topic/4271780?pid=360881795#p360881795  
> Song Credit: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmN_s8-4GfK2YYUkReUlHvg  
> Song Access: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LFGqokvOwI


End file.
